Let’s consider first what was said about the issue of human rights of the individual Witnesses being violated by imposing the ban, and its potential consequences.

Violation of Human Rights and Other Consequences

I believe that the human rights to believe whatever a person wants to believe were not undermined by the ban. By definition of mind control, individual Jehovah’s Witnesses do not worship according to their conscience. Their free will has been long time ago hijacked through the use of the deceptive tactics. The freedom of worship, if the ban is lifted, will be granted to the Governing Body, not to the members.

I will not pretend that I know what will be a full result of imposing the ban. Some unintended consequences will hit the vulnerable people the most. Perhaps some Witnesses will not seek to disclose cases of sexual abuse perpetrated in the context of the congregation activities. Others might not seek medical help, just to not draw the attention of authorities. This will only add to the suffering of people already hurt by the Governing Body.

I feel for the innocent people that will bear the consequences of their blind obedience to the seven men in Warwick. Their lives are miserable enough without the anxiety that they must feel upon hearing the news of their group publicly ostracised and delegalised.

On the other hand, I also think that it’s good that the Governing Body now has less influence in Russia. There is no easy, black-and-white way, to speak about the consequences of the ban.

Jumping to Conclusions 

We don’t know if the Russian government will ever resort to violence, even in the face of Jehovah’s Witnesses defying the ban. Framing the argument against the ban from the perspective of the unknown future consequences skews the discussion, and heightens the emotional charge around the topic, which doesn’t promote clear thinking and clear analysis of the subject.

From the November 15, 2013, Watchtower; Jehovah’s Witnesses claimed persecution long before the current Russian ban.

There is no evidence that the ban will increase indoctrination of the majority of the Jehovah’s Witnesses. I believe that it is reasonable to assume that some Jehovah’s Witnesses will radicalise in their beliefs, and that the ban will play to their “persecution complex”. That is not to say that, under right circumstances, these individuals cannot still find their way out of the group eventually.

The situation of Russian Witnesses has been utilised by the Watchtower in their propaganda, and will continue to be used. This material will come in handy to play on some of the potential recruits’ masochistic inclinations. Sometimes it’s argued that ban is a bad idea because it will add to the repertoire of the persecution stories. However, by that logic, ex-Jehovah’s Witnesses should not talk, write, make videos, be angry, or protest about their experience. There’s really not much any apostate can do without fitting into the negative perceptions held by active Witnesses.

On the opposite side of the argument, others will find it easier to leave the religion because of the change in the legal status of the organisation. Less indoctrination, fewer meetings, and less field service might be just what’s needed for them to start to think for themselves.

I’m not sure if the ban is the best first response solution to address the harmful policies of the Witnesses (see Spike Raynor’s video on the subject here). I would argue, though, that if penalising the harmful policies doesn’t bring results, the ban might be an effective measure of deterring potential new converts.

Recent decrease in the numbers of active Jehovah’s Witnesses in Poland can perhaps serve as a case study of what might have brought such result. There are a few factors which have contributed to that trend. The growth of the number of Witnesses over the last 20 years has been quite slow. A few years ago, the current far-right Catholic government came to power. It might be that, for some people, the pressure to confirm to the beliefs of their religious family serves as a protection against joining a dangerous cult like Jehovah’s Witnesses.

At the same time, like everywhere in Europe, people don’t look to religion for answers to life’s problems the way they used to. After the hearing of the Australian Royal Commission, there has been a surge of YouTube channels run by ex-Witnesses who don’t seem to be affiliated with any religion. The secretly recorded conversations with elders show that some of them have heard about the Commission. The availability of this information is the best panaceum for the toxic message coming from the Governing Body, and in Russia, Jehovah’s Witnesses have had a really bad time with their PR messaging these days. The victims need to hear a serious discussion in the media around the policies interfering with the reporting of every case of child sexual abuse within the Jehovah’s Witnesses organisation.

Online Discussions

The current discussion about the banning of Jehovah’s Witnesses in Russia evoked a good deal of back and forth between YouTubers, arguing about the need of some to seek medical help, or not to be hateful, or to improve their appearance. I would like to share my perceptions and thoughts on this subject.

Evie Bklyn had turned the conversation away from the human rights issue to that of the Governing Body’s responsibility for any harm done to the Jehovah’s Witnesses in Russia as a result of imposing of the ban on their activities (click here for the video). The Governing Body has the power to change the vile policies and procedures that support shunning, the “two witness rule” applied to the cases of child sexual abuse, and the prohibition of full blood-based treatments in the case of a medical emergency. Unfortunately, the Governing Body has resisted implementation of many recommendations formulated by the Australian Royal Commission, including the “two witness rule.” (Please see this column regarding their followup discussion with the ARC in March of 2017.)

Who really is responsible for the suffering of Jehovah’s Witnesses?

In Russia, the weakening of the family ties and refusal to participate in the military service has put the organisation under fire of the State’s criticism for years now. Unless the Governing Body directs congregations to obey the State’s restrictions on the religious activities, any harm done to the individual Witnesses in Russia will be its responsibility. The escalation of the State’s response will follow, most likely, if the Jehovah’s Witnesses disobey the restrictions imposed by the ban, as their leaders will probably urge them to do.

I mention these facts to highlight the following point: Those who suggest that the apostates agreeing with the ban should feel guilty or share a portion of responsibility for the suffering of the Witnesses in Russia, are re-victimising the victims. This is a case of classic guilt-tripping. Anybody who uses blaming, calling names, and criticises a person rather than their argument then creates an atmosphere where free expression of thoughts is repressed. This can actually make ex-Jehovah’s Witnesses browsing through the internet feel like their Kingdom Hall days are far from over (see freedominveritas’ video about the subject here).

I believe that there is no evidence for the opinion that anybody who understands the consequences of the ban, and supports it, continues to be indoctrinated in the cult way of thinking. Those who claim that the ban supporters suffer from a mysterious defect of the mind  that needs addressing are, in fact, not far from calling them “mentally diseased”, and thus perpetuating the stigma put on the apostates by the Governing Body.

I think that apostates have reasons to be angry, but some have said that they (those supporters of the ban) don’t care if Russian Witnesses are thrown into prisons or not (if this worse outcome becomes a reality). I disagree with that. It matters if people are punished with prison or torture for their incredulity and blind following of authority figures. It’s true that the beliefs of the cult hurt, and sometimes even kill people. I just don’t think that this should give permission to devalue and dehumanise active Jehovah’s Witnesses, as if their suffering matters less than the suffering of others. We have all been betrayed and cheated out of the best things that life can bring, and many died as active Witnesses or after they left.

There was a suggestion made by one of the YouTubers for the ban supporters to seek medical help (I hope I’m not misrepresenting the wording of the advice).  This comment somehow sounded like a derision of the mental health industry, perhaps unintentionally. The opinion about the ban, one way or the other, is not a criterion in DSM–5, the standard classification of mental disorders used by mental health professionals. Also, I hope that we will never see the time come when voicing an opinion would warrant a referral to a mental health professional. Such a world would be dangerously close to the one Orwell warned against in the book “1984”.

Who might decide to seek mental health intervention (such as therapy), or the medication prescribed by a G.P. [general practitioner] or a psychiatrist? Those who experience anxiety disorders (including Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), mood disorders (including depression), personality disorders, and other symptoms.

Note, too, that you don’t need to be treated by self-professed experts to find your way back to the human family and to your sense of self. An experienced trauma therapist might be in a good position to understand the effects of the abuse by a cult, even if they have never worked with a cult survivor before. I would say that a skilled and open-minded therapist of any therapeutic persuasion (CBT, psychoanalytical, mindfulness, etc.), might bring you worthwhile results. Find someone who is willing to listen and not to jump to conclusions; however, the recovery doesn’t depend solely on accessing therapy services. Many found their healing in the community of Ex- Jehovah’s Witnesses. If you feel silenced by the tone of comments of any of YouTubers, see if you can claim your voice and speak for yourself. Make your voice heard, this can be your way of resisting the influence of the cult way of admiring and following personalities who provide little to no evidence to back up their claims, regardless of their beliefs or political persuasion.

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Karuna, a Sanskrit word meaning any action taken to diminish the suffering of others, is the pen name of a former Jehovah’s Witness originally from Poland and now living in Ireland. Karuna received her Master’s degree in psychology while one of Jehovah’s Witnesses, but left the organization after learning of their devastating “two witness” rule and other policies that put children in harm’s way. She is currently looking to continue her higher education and use her learning to help children who have been victims of abuse. JWvictims is deeply grateful for her contributions.

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The Governing Body in its October broadcasting program included an interview with an elderly woman recalling the death of her husband. She seemed somewhat emotionally distanced from what certainly was one of the greatest losses in her life. Her personal experience of grieving can evoke a discussion about what is a “normal” way of coping with the loss of a loved one. Another important issue that is worth talking about is whether belonging to the cult disrupts the grieving process.

Let’s consider the second question first.

Jehovah’s Witnesses and the Grieving Process

I think that grieving Jehovah’s Witnesses are not offered in the congregation an outlet to feel and process their loss fully. The teaching of the resurrection keeps believers in hope of meeting their loved ones again.

“Jehovah’s Word gives the sure hope of the resurrection, of being raised to life once again. This is no mere dream, and no force in the universe can prevent Jehovah from making this hope a reality.”
~ Watchtower, May 15, 2007 

Religious persons around the world cherish their many and varied ideas about the afterlife. With Jehovah’s Witnesses, the difference is that their belief system does not lend itself to scrutiny without the danger of having a doubting individual removed from their congregation, and punished with shunning and losing all or most of their support system. The basic teachings of resurrection and everlasting life cannot undergo a critical analysis, and the emotions attached to any lack of confidence in them will not be resolved. Individuals who put on hold the critical thinking and raw feeling will find it much harder to then fully move through stages of the grieving process.

People who have had little freedom to honestly explore their beliefs while in the cult will quite likely find themselves, at times, overwhelmed with the volume of unobserved and not realised emotions when they leave it. Some ex-Jehovah’s Witnesses decide to identify their own religious affiliations. Those who arrive at the point of atheism or agnosticism might need to adjust to the intellectual and emotional consequences of their whole worldview changing, including reconciling an idea that beliefs shaping the grieving process they have gone through in the past no longer seem valid.

The advice given by the Governing Body on how to support a grieving individual boils down to being a good friend by listening, spending time, being tactful and considerate; all this being an innate capacity of a human heart. Jehovah’s Witnesses do not have anything new or different to offer to someone who has lost a loved one, nothing that the “world” (people who are not Jehovah’s Witnesses) cannot give to their grieving friends and family. But, why is it that Jehovah’s Witnesses need to be reminded to act humanly towards their fellow believers who have lost a loved one?

My guess is that some of the humanity of the congregation members gets corroded by their adherence to the polices of shunning and prohibition on blood transfusion in life threatening situations (see this website), learning to be passive by “leaving matters in Jehovah’s hands” when faced with the reality of child sexual abuse in the congregation, or developing a judgmental attitude towards anybody (and I mean anybody), be it a family member or a close friend, who is not adhering to the dogma fully (see the Shunning category for more information).

This destructive influence touches anybody who associates with Jehovah’s Witnesses. Compassion is a quality of a human heart; people who have not experienced this indoctrination sessions sponsored by the Governing Body are not prohibited [or stunted] by those policies from loving others in abundance. Jehovah’s Witnesses are trained, instead, to regulate the flow of fellow feeling according to the Governing Body’s instructions, to carefully create little parcels of care and compassion and share it scantily with a restricted number of people.

I think that Jehovah’s Witnesses need instructions on how to behave normally towards a bereaved individual because, in order to follow commands provided weekly in the congregation, they have to disconnect from their own instinct and knowledge about leading a normal life. Once a Jehovah’s Witness can build relationships based on honesty, commitment and unconditional love, their friends will not need to be told how to act like human beings. Indeed, such friends will follow the most natural instinct of empathy in response to the pain of bereavement. For that to happen though, an active Jehovah’s Witness would most likely have to leave the group, based on the principles of an abusive relationship, and build healthy relationships.

The Governing Body, through its policies, crafts up an environment where Jehovah’s Witnesses lose some of their humanity and become like robots responding remotely to commands: “Now you smile”. “Now you care and this is how you will show that you care”. “Now you stop talking to this person because they are not one of your group”. This level of control is possible only if the internal focus of control, or freedom to self-determine, is at least partially or fully disabled.

This negative influence disrupts the grieving process. Persons who grieve need unrestricted access to their own feeling, intellectual inquiry and freedom to choose a course of action in order to allow the stages of grief reaction to unfold. They need not to be prohibited from accessing meditation training if they find that it opens the awareness of physical reactions and emotions evoked by the loss of a loved one. They need freedom to think for themselves and choose a form of therapeutic intervention that best addresses their needs without being discouraged from turning to group-based treatments. They also need to speak openly to friends, family and professionals without self-censoring. Active Jehovah’s Witnesses have this freedom curtailed by dogma, fear, shame and guilt instilled by the cult.

Let’s now return to the question of an unfolding of the grieving process by addressing some empirical [backed by study and research] findings concerning grief reactions.

How People Actually Grieve

The grieving process does not adhere to the cultural expectations of a pattern of showing an extreme distress which then declines with time. Two more patterns have been identified, which are a lot less accepted in our society. A pattern of morbid grief is characterised by a protracted experience of grief, meaning that it lasts for a long time or longer than one would expect. An absent grief occurs when there is little distress initially or later. All three patterns represent how people respond to the experience of death.

The stages of the process of grief also do not always follow a clear-cut pattern, and people will experience different stages at times more than once, in varied order, or some stages might not occur. These stages are

• shock
• denial
• yearning and searching
• sadness
• anger
• anxiety
• guilt
• bargaining and acceptance

It might be an obvious caveat but there are no two identical experiences of loss and grief, as each person is unique. In that light, it makes sense not to compare the way people grieve. Each person is finding their own way of coping with the loss.

Also, depression following bereavement is not universal; only about a third of people suffer depression following bereavement. Perhaps the cultural expectation is that a bereaved person will show initial emotional distress, but it has been observed that persons who show little initial emotional distress are not necessarily going to then develop problems later.

Another misconception around the process of grieving involves an expectation that the coping strategy of confrontation is the most effective in dealing with the loss.  Again, the evidence shows that the coping strategy of avoidance can be used to deal with the loss as effectively as confrontation. Another thing to keep in mind is that extreme distress following bereavement commonly occurs in those who show protracted grief reactions, which means that some people will experience strong feelings of grieving for a relatively long time.

It has been observed that not everyone needs to work through their loss by immediately talking about it. In the best scenario, a bereaved individual should feel free to choose when and how much to share about their loss. Many people who initially talk about their grief can develop problems later.

And the last point: not everyone will return to normal functioning within a two-year time frame. Also, resolution and acceptance don’t always occur, for example, in the case of a fatal accident.

A Word About Grief and Children

Let’s not forget, too, about the grief reaction experienced by children. Their process is similar to that of adults, but it lasts for a shorter period of time. Parents might feel that perhaps their children have not finished working through their loss, but quite often children have less to work through because they do not ruminate on memories or lost possibilities. One of their coping strategies might be developing an inner representation of a deceased person and continuing to have a relationship with them.  Children might develop infections as a result of the stress on the immune system which will subside with time. Children who have to face their own death by a terminal illness react less intensely than adults in a similar situation. Also children with life-threatening illness might show less adjustment difficulties than their parents.  Finally, bereavement, especially loss of a parent, leaves children vulnerable to depression in adult life.

If you want to support a bereaved child, consult the following publications and websites:

Krementz, J. (1981). How it Feels When a Parent Dies. New York: Knopf.

Mallon, B. (1988). Helping Children to Manage Loss. Positive Strategies for Renewal and Growth. London: Jessica Kingsley.

Rando, T. (1991). How to Go on Living When Someone You Love Dies. New York: Bantam.

Schaefer, D & Lyons, C. (1986). How Do We Tell the Children. New York: Newmarket.

Turner, M. (1995). Good Grief: Exploring Feelings, Loss and Death (Second edition: volume 1 for under elevens; volume 2 for over elevens and adults).

Cruse Bereavement Care: http://www.cruse.org.uk/

Jessica Kingslay’s webpage on bereavement resources: http://www.jkp.com/uk/catalogsearch/result/?q=bereavement+resources

The Child Bereavement Trust: http://www.childbereavementuk.org/

Winston’s Wish: http://www.winstonswish.org.uk/

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The “ego states” contain childhood experiences, but can then be modified and enriched throughout life. Each ego state has a characteristic set of embodied feelings and thoughts as well as behaviours; we use this concept to provide another language to describe the experience of self. In emotionally healthy individuals, the ego states don’t operate fully independent of each other or the whole person, but I think that these get played on and used by the Jehovah’s Witnesses organisation to keep the membership perpetually dependant of the Governing Body.

The Ego States, Explained

The “Parent” ego state contains recordings of actions and words of parents, caregivers, and other important parent-like or authority figures. We present the Parent ego state when we engage in behaviours, feelings and thoughts copied from parents and caregivers.

The “Child” ego state contains recordings of the person’s reactions to the behaviours or words of the parents, carergivers, and later on, important parent-like or authority figures. We present the Child ego state when we replay behaviours, thoughts and feelings experienced when we were children.

The “Adult” ego state develops from the age of about one year old, and evaluates what the parents and other important figures teach. For example, a child is taught that touching a hot stove is dangerous; the “don’t touch a hot stove” rule gets recorded in the Parent ego state of the child. Later, the child observes how their older brother got burned because he touched a hot stove. A child who observed the consequences can evaluate the parent’s rule of “don’t touch the hot stove” and come to the conclusion that this rule is indeed right. That rule becomes stored in the Adult ego state in the child’s personality. We present the Adult ego state when our thoughts, feelings and behaviours arise in direct response to the here and now.

We can also experience all three ego states in response to one event. For example, imagine you are called to have a biyearly evaluation meeting with a supervisor and you feel very nervous about that meeting. If the feeling of strong anxiety would be explored, you might find it connected to the time when you were called to give an answer to the teacher, the Child ego state. Additionally, you might find yourself thinking “My boss seems to be stressed out, how can I help and support her?” which would be engaging from the Parent ego state. Of course you could also respond to the evaluation process from the Adult ego state, with an adaptive degree of anxiety and readiness to learn.

Imagine now, that in our feedback scenario, the employee feels very anxious, judged and insecure (engaged from the Child ego state) and the supervisor takes a patronising and judgmental stance (engaged from the Parent ego state). It is quite likely that at least some of the conversation will play out to remind of the interaction between a child and a parent.

The Ego States Engaged By the Governing Body and Jehovah’s Witnesses

I think that the policies implemented in the Jehovah’s Witnesses cult exploit any unhealthy traits in the personalities of the congregation members, and create an environment where people expressing those traits are rewarded and put up as an example to others.

Let’s consider the relationship between the rank-and-file and their leader, the governing body. As we discussed earlier, most, if not all, people have an aspect of their personality which can be identified as the Child ego state. Jehovah’s Witnesses are constantly treated like children by the governing body; presented with a long list of do’s and don’ts along with fear-inducing dramatic scenarios if the rules are not followed, such as being cast out to the domain of the servants of Satan or killed by god. It can be said that the governing body is like a controlling, demanding and abusive Parent to the Children-like believers attending Kingdom Halls. (For more information, see Beware the Cult-Like Control and Abuse of Jehovah’s Witnesses.)

Jehovah’s Witnesses are taught to feel like children and are rewarded with approval of the Governing Body if their life choices are motivated by those feelings. In the broadcast we learn about a missionary who spent many years proselytising and indoctrinating others into the Jehovah’s Witnesses’ ideology. She said that her life’s motto has been a prayer to god; “Jehovah, show me where I belong”. Former elder Spike Raynor makes a case in one of his videos that people like her have mistaken the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society’s will for god’s will. I would suggest that, since the governing body is responsible for setting out the teachings of Jehovah’s Witnesses, she has taken their will as god’s. This woman has been like a child in her relationship with the governing body; trusting, ready to follow anywhere, reliant and dependent. In the Jehovah’s Witnesses cult, believers are taught to switch off their critical thinking and any inner sense of control over the choices they make, and hand over the steering wheel of their lives to the governing body.

The message disseminated in this month’s broadcast that “pioneers can’t help their parents very much” is clear and wrong. In general it goes against human nature to not to care for the elderly and needy members of our family; one of the few exceptions from that rule is that children (youths) should not be made to care for the financial and emotional needs of their family. The governing body creates a culture where adults have a pass to behave like children and think it is okay not to take upon themselves the responsibility to care for their parents.

Anyone who has been exposed to such attitudes will need to make a decision to challenge those messages and form their own mature understanding. Healing starts with identifying unhelpful conditioning and then having a dialog with oneself about what is right and what is wrong. We will come back to this thought later in the post.

Finding Resolution to Cult Conditioning and Internal Conflict

Earlier we discussed how the ego states cross over between two individuals, where the Parent ego state of the supervisor interacts with the Child ego state of the employee. The interactions between the ego states also occur on the level of personality. For example, in a stressful situation we might feel as if we don’t have much control over the events, and replay a voice of an internalised critical opinion of parents, caregivers or the governing body such as, “You need to do as I say,” or “You are not equipped to make good choices”. We might, at the same time, operate from the Child state and feel ashamed, guilty and afraid about our situation.  The Transactional Analysis proposes that we can try resolving internal incongruency arising between the ego states.

The first step involves becoming curious about, and kindly aware of, the experience of physical sensations, feelings and thoughts characteristic to each ego state as they change from moment to moment. It is not necessarily easy to develop such awareness, and the governing body’s instructions go to the contrary of such practise. The viewers of the September broadcast are encouraged as a matter of priority to pay attention to the Bible and let it influence how they feel and think, over honing any honest awareness of what their hearts, bodies and minds want. With some practise, it might become possible for a person to, as it were, step into the perspective of each ego state and observe their habitual way of relating to the external events and each other. In time the person might observe that, from their Adult ego state, they have started taking note of the critical conditioning locked in the Child state, and decided that those beliefs are not conducive to the well-being of the whole person. The Parent ego state might become open to developing a more balanced and loving attitude towards the Child ego state. The Child ego state, with help from the Parent and Adult ego states, might learn to trust itself. This is a process of opening communication channels between ego states and developing a relationship between them which is based on compassion and care.

The theory of personality proposed by the Transactional Analysis will not ring true to all reading about it. The idea of the ego states interacting with each other might sound quite unbelievable to some. That’s okay, all readers are invited to take what is helpful, and leave the rest. Each person who stopped associating with the Jehovah’s Witnesses cult will hopefully find what best supports their  unique process of learning to solve problems in a more mature way, reconciling inner conflicts, building up resilience, allowing themselves to love without fear and strengthening what is their version of a mature, steady and grounded Adult self. Some psychological concepts and theories might be more useful than others. Some psycho-therapeutic interventions might feel right, some might not resonate at all. Coaching or mentoring might be more helpful than therapy to some at that particular point in life. It’s a good idea to find someone with credentials and experience to work with, but this is your journey so start it, and continue, with trust that you know what is right for you.

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¹You can find more information about this at http://www.ericberne.com/transactional-analysis/ and http://www.businessballs.com/transact.htm.

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Karuna, a Sanskrit word meaning any action taken to diminish the suffering of others, is the pen name of a former Jehovah’s Witness originally from Poland and now living in Ireland. Karuna received her Master’s degree in psychology while one of Jehovah’s Witnesses, but left the organization after learning of their devastating “two witness” rule and other policies that put children in harm’s way. She is currently looking to continue her higher education and use her learning to help children who have been victims of abuse. JWvictims is deeply grateful for her contributions.

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The governing body’s direction is that focusing on Jehovah will secure a happy marriage, where “spirituality” is defined as being involved in the local congregation’s activities.  Empirical research (meaning based on observation or experience rather than theory) points toward certain demographic factors (or personal characteristics) associated with marital satisfaction, and this “spirituality” as defined by the JWs is not one of them.

(Note that, in the following comments, marriage and cohabitation are treated equally. The word “marital” refers to any long-term, committed relationship.)

The Watchtower’s Best Shot at How to Form a Lasting Marriage

The broadcast outlines the steps they say can lead to forming a good marriage:

1. Speak to people who know the person you are interested in, such as congregation elders.
2. Pray and ask Jehovah to let you see who the person you consider really is.
3. Observe their reactions and how they treat others.
4. Husbands should love their wives; as a man, are you ready to love?

Let’s consider how helpful this advice is.

It seems to be suggested in the program that someone deeply engaged in the proselytisation activities might be considered a better candidate for marriage than someone who is not very active in congregation activities. Such assumption is likely to be, frankly, useless if partners want to form an intimate bond based on the compatibility of their personalities. This is because it is not uncommon for two people to engage in the process of indoctrinating others for different reasons, so taking their zeal at face value might lead to a mistake in assessing their character.

Are gossip and hearsay really the best sources of information about potential mates?

The suggestion to seek out an opinion of others can potentially create a strange feeling of being evaluated based on the third party’s views and perceptions.

I would say that the ability to see someone for who they are is not a skill gifted through prayer, but a lifelong habit of observing people and reality as they are. Well, individuals who have an honest evaluation of themselves and the world around them are least likely to ever become Jehovah’s Witnesses! From my perspective, the advice to pray is aimed at activating the cult indoctrination and filtering out information that can actually be very helpful in assessing the compatibility of the other person, in favour of details confirming to the world view of the group.

I would agree that it is important to notice the behaviours of people we feel attracted to, but what is more important is to notice what motivates their choices; this knowledge can be gained through self-revealing conversations. I would argue that Jehovah’s Witnesses in general are not very much aware of their own emotional complexities and, as such, have a diminished ability to share and receive full disclosure about themselves.

Men who want to marry are to ask themselves if they can truly love; I assume that the same question is to be answered by women who are thinking about getting married. However, love is a word that has been hijacked by the Watchtower, devoid of its meaning and injected with the Watchtower definition of love. The governing body, when talking about romantic relationships, love and sex, often does so in the context of bigotry, small-mindedness and fear.

I am not here to tell anybody how and who to love. Every person makes choices for themselves. My intention is to provide information that can be helpful to some people in increasing their understanding of love and healthy relationships, taken from psychological research and therapeutic practice, away from unhelpful indoctrination of the Watchtower. Consider some of that research:

What Positively Influences a Marriage?

Newman and Newman, in their book, “Development Through Life,” among factors linked to the marital satisfaction, listed:

• high levels of education
• high socioeconomic status
• similarity of spouse’s interests
• intelligence and personality
• sexual compatibility
• later marriage for women

It has been speculated that high level of education and higher socioeconomic status are connected to better problem solving skills and fewer life stresses. People who are similar can empathise with each other better, and work out their roles and patterns that are mutually satisfactory. Surveys reveal that frequency of sexual activity is less important to marital satisfaction than sexual compatibility. The satisfaction associated with a later marriage for women is probably linked to the maturity of their social roles and established career status.

The Process of Selecting a Mate

Bert Adams, in his book, “The Family: a Sociological Interpretation,” presented a four-stage mate selection process. In the first phase, the selection takes place from among available partners. The most popular tend to be people who are physically attractive and similar in interests, intelligence and personality. In the second phase, self-disclosing conversations allow comparison of values.

In the third phase, there is an exploration of the role compatibility and mutual empathy; if the benefits of forming a strong bond of compatibility and empathy are outweighing the difficulties that are associated with staying together, the couple can move towards the decision to stay together. In the fourth phase, people make a decision about long-term compatibility and commitment, and the marriage or long-term cohabitation may occur.

Life Affirming Love

In his book “Don’t Call It Love”, Patrick Carnes outlined the phases of building a healthy relationship and abilities required to experience each phase:

Noticing. Here people have the ability to become aware of, and to discern the attractive or unattractive traits in others. During this phase, each partner considers if he or she wishes to discover more about the other.

Attraction. People feel physically drawn toward the other and imagine carrying out those feelings. During this phase, patterns are formed that will enhance one’s arousal “template.” Curiosity, spontaneity, fantasy, and play are experienced as enjoyable attributes to sexual arousal.

Flirtation. At this phase individuals display an ability to make playfully romantic or sexual overtures to another person; each partner sends and receives signals of interest.

Demonstration. Partners have the ability to show off the pleasure of having a potential sexual partner while being aware of the appropriateness of the context and the other person’s response. This phase may involve athletic prowess, dress, and other skills that may enhance the others person’s interest. One must be who he or she is purporting to be. This is the first test of one’s honesty and integrity.

Romance. At this time partners have the ability to experience, express and receive passion. Expressing those feelings can bring out feelings of attraction, vulnerability, and risk, which need to be tolerated and managed. At this point, partners differentiate true feelings from projections, both to and from the other, and respect boundaries.

Individuation. This is an ability to separate from one’s partner and remain true to one’s self. During this phase truth, trust, and full disclosure are necessary components. One does not operate out of fear of disapproval or control by the other.

Intimacy. Here partners have the ability to respect the “otherness” of the other despite shortcomings. During this phase, partners enter an “attachment” phase that deepens the meaning of the forming relationship bond. Trust and integrity nurture the relationship, and each partner is able to experience a deeper vulnerability.

Touching. With touching comes the ability to feel valued. During this phase, healthy touch is given with permission and is respectful of the situation, boundaries, and timing. Touching can be healing; it involves trust and judgment.

Foreplay. Partners have the ability to lead to genital sexuality. In this phase all above steps are used.

Intercourse. Partners have the ability to experience passion, to give up control and expectations of each other. During this phase people share trust as well as emotional and spiritual connection.

Commitment. Partners have the ability to form a bond to another and stay attached despite difficulties that may unfold. During this phase, each person matters and deserves to be honoured by faithfulness and the willingness to keep the relationship honest  and vital over time.

Renewal calls for the ability to continue courtship. During this phase, both partners participate in problem solving.

Not a Witness Anymore

The broadcasting asserts that friendships and family should not take priority over our relationship with Jehovah. I would say that friendships and family should always take priority over relationship with a god or any orders given by the governing body. If you are a believer, you might find that a relationship with god enhances your ability to be loving and generous toward your family and friends; however, the call to abandon people you care the most for, if asked by a group, is quintessentially a call to become a drone, ready to follow instructions blindly and at the cost of human bonds of love. The psychological damage created by such rules aiming to destroy the human attachment to others can’t be overstated.

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Karuna, a Sanskrit word meaning any action taken to diminish the suffering of others, is the pen name of a former Jehovah’s Witness originally from Poland and now living in Ireland. Karuna received her Master’s degree in psychology while one of Jehovah’s Witnesses, but left the organization after learning of their devastating “two witness” rule and other policies that put children in harm’s way. She is currently looking to continue her higher education and use her learning to help children who have been victims of abuse. JWvictims is deeply grateful for her contributions.

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Being There for Others

The broadcast makes clear that the congregation members are to know who needs support, for them to be there at the meetings or in the service (the preaching work of Jehovah’s Witnesses); everybody else should visit the sick and also check on those who miss the meetings to find out whether a meal delivery or help around the house is required. While it’s commendable when someone checks on another congregant who may need assistance, this is a lot of responsibility placed on people who most likely have quite limited financial resources and energy themselves.

Elders have become a special target of constant pressure to work beyond their capacity. In this broadcast, elders were told to drain themselves out physically and emotionally. No protection in terms of monetary compensation or provision for health insurance for such hard work has once been mentioned.

Self-Congratulatory Thoughts, and Only Self-Congratulatory Thoughts

This strategy of constant prodding to do more for the Watchtower achieves two important results. The first outcome of such pressure is that people whose time is sucked into an overwhelming schedule then have less capacity to reflect critically about the information that is available to them. Active members of the congregation have limited mental energy available in order to process their own emotional and intellectual response to what they are absorbing from the platform and magazines each week. People in such a state are trapped in the vicious circle of doing more while thinking and feeling less, which keeps them perpetually involved with the routine.

Secondly, this type of excessive hardship directly secures the governing body with numbers of devoted members who convince themselves to stay in this never-ending vicious circle. This is a counter-intuitive idea, but quite often people tend to place more value on the things that they have to work hard for. This is how it goes: Jehovah’s Witnesses, just like people in general, like to think that they are sensible and competent individuals. When they engage in a painful and demanding process of securing a place in the congregation, they justify this choice by focusing on the good things about the group and ignoring the downsides.

This is a classic example of cognitive dissonance and self-justification in particular.  It would be a painful conclusion for any active Jehovah’s Witness that their choice is stupid, or that they are stupid to belong to a cult. It is easier for such individuals to conclude that their choice is a good one and the group they work for deserves their commitment.

Looking Back

As past followers of the governing body, and I assume that most readers of this article probably are, we have to find a resolution to a disturbing fact, that we have belonged to a doomsday cult. How did that happen? How was it possible to stay in the group for as long as we did? “Am I really that stupid?”

The answer can lie in:

• the deceptiveness of the recruitment process
• the influence of mind control techniques
• the destructive nature of emotional and physical coercion
• the overpowering mechanisms of control of behaviour

What also is true though is that we were making ourselves attached more and more to the Jehovah’s Witnesses corporation by constantly justifying our decision to continue, by focusing on the positive aspects of the group and minimising the harm done to ourselves and others. This is a largely unconscious process, but nonetheless a powerful one. If you want to learn more about it, look for the book by Elliot Aronson “Mistakes Were Made (but Not by Me): Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, and Hurtful Acts” and his YouTube videos.

Moving Forward

Past members of the congregation might find it helpful to reconcile their choices in a self-compassionate way: “I’m a good person and I made the mistake of supporting a harmful cult.” This readiness to acknowledge bad judgment needs to go along with action to make amends and do something to undo the harm that resulted from obedience to the group’s demands.

However, there is also a lesson to be learned: a readiness to examine justifications for future decisions. The question that all ex-Jehovah’s Witnesses need to continuously ask is, “Are the decisions I’m making today justifying my previous choices, or are they truly based on my values?” or, “Have I gathered enough information to make up my mind, or am I just trying to justify my preconceived ideas?”

In the Jehovah’s Witnesses theology, providing the governing body with hard work for many decades is not enough to secure their approval. Jehovah’s Witnesses are led to believe that serving the organisation for many decades is only valuable if they do it to the end. Nobody knows when the end will be so in such a scenario; there is never a good moment to quit association with the congregation because the date of the final judgment is both elusively near and yet ever distant. But, to help Jehovah’s Witnesses stay motivated, they are reminded that time flies if you are having fun, where fun is defined as fulfilling the governing body’s quota of activities.

To drive this point home, a psychological study was quoted. The researchers who conducted it concluded that, indeed, desiring to pursue or approach something makes time go faster.  However, what this broadcast fails to acknowledge is an intended application of this finding.  The researchers found out that “states high in approach motivation make us feel like time is passing quickly because they narrow our memory and attention processes, helping us to shut out irrelevant thoughts and feelings. This perceived shortening of time may help us to persist for longer periods of time in pursuing important adaptive goals, including food, water, and companionship.” See this website for more information.

Anybody who has a spare minute to look the study up will find that the application of its results for promoting cult activities is dishonest. The researchers narrowed the usefulness of this explanation of “time flies when you’re having fun” to activities such as pursuit of food, drink and companionship, all being survival and hedonistic activities; they did not apply it to long-term commitment to a highly controlling group.

In response to the July episode of the jw.org broadcast, probably a few obvious things need to be stated in conclusion. The message of this installment can distort the idea of love, so maybe we as individuals need to find out what it’s like to never let any corporation take the place of our mother, father, child or friend, what it’s like to be loved for who and what we are without having to buy or earn approval by doing things for others, and what it’s like to find our answer to the question of pain in the world and act according to our conscience and conviction. Maybe the best part of finding out what matters to us in life is that we don’t have to stick to something just because we believed in it in the past, or because someone else said so. Now we have the freedom to read, think, speak, ask questions, and find out information before forming an opinion, and not for the purpose of convincing ourselves that the choice we made was a good one or that we were right.

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Below is the July broadcast in its entirety; the discourse mentioned above begins about the 8:10 mark.

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Karuna, a Sanskrit word meaning any action taken to diminish the suffering of others, is the pen name of a former Jehovah’s Witness originally from Poland and now living in Ireland. Karuna received her Master’s degree in psychology while one of Jehovah’s Witnesses, but left the organization after learning of their devastating “two witness” rule and other policies that put children in harm’s way. She is currently looking to continue her higher education and use her learning to help children who have been victims of abuse. JWvictims is deeply grateful for her contributions.

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Risks, Even for Children

During the June broadcasting programme it is implied that taking risks in order to get to places of worship is commendable. However, personal safety and the safety of the family take precedence over attending any gatherings or meetings. Making responsible decisions in terms of staying safe physically is an obligation of the parents on behalf of their children. Behaviour which puts children at risk of injury or accident should raise concerns of local child protection services.

Degrading Outsiders

In this broadcasting episode, people who are not Jehovah’s Witnesses are portrayed as selfish and isolating themselves. While it might not be healthy to find most of one’s social interaction online, it is also true that individuals now have access to an enormous amount of information online and people do use their phones to learn about the world they live in. Attributing to others the quality of selfishness is highly inappropriate. This creates an “us versus them” mentality which can only bring about trouble in getting along with others.

It is worth mentioning that this broadcasting episode makes clear that people who are not Jehovah’s Witnesses are manipulated by Satan. This is a potent message promoting distrust and fear of those outside the congregation. It is human nature to seek belonging to a group of peers at school or work. We are wired that way. Putting the sense of isolation from the world in the hearts of children will damage their interpersonal skills and deprive them of many occasions to develop socially, emotionally and intellectually.

Promoting Group-Think

I’m deeply suspicious of the idea of becoming one with a group of people who have just one thing in common, namely, their shared affiliation with a religious organisation. In normal circumstances, social support increases a personal sense of well-being and provides individuals and families with information useful in coping with the challenges of raising a family or negotiating conflicts in personal or professional life. Social support is good for the body, it facilities endocrine, cardiovascular and immune system functioning. To rely on friends for advice and support and to have a circle of friends who accept you for who you are is one thing, but to build a sense of identity based on total blending with the group is another, and a very troubling one.

The development of identity starts in childhood and is sometimes conceptualised as the functions of self-evaluation, self-regulation and self-knowledge. Self-evaluation involves opinions about oneself and emotions resulting from those opinions. Self-regulation refers to perceived ability to be in control of events and the usefulness of coping mechanisms and defensive strategies. Self-knowledge is how people describe themselves and their connection to the social group and the world in general in terms of trust, autonomy, initiative, group identity, their own identity, intimacy, productivity, integrity and meaning in life.

I think that someone who is asked to become one with the religious group or any group for that matter doesn’t have enough space and time to become what and who they are, aware of what matters to them, what their values are and what they want to accomplish outside of this group. Constricting the development of the sense of self to the parameters of the one truth distributed through media approved by one channel within the confines of one group can, and I believe will, have a debilitating effect on the development of the sense of self, self worth, positive adjustment and effectiveness in dealing with problems. The group identity should constitute only a part of the personal identity, and it is not to override and encompass the whole person.

The freedom to develop identity is especially important for adolescents. It has been found that adolescents go through a process in order to eventually attain a stable identity. From a time when parents make decisions, adolescents move to trying out different roles before settling on an identity.  The freedom to take on a different role means experimenting.  It is like putting a different costume on to feel what it is like to be a certain kind of person. This curiosity has to do with vocational, social, political and religious values and should be not only tolerated but encouraged in the family. Adolescents who inherit a script on who they should be without the freedom to move through a range of identities and without a real choice in the matter will experience a sense of living their lives as a lie. Those who were not offered time and space to get to know themselves will feel not true to their nature while going through the motions of activities approved by the group.

All Jehovah’s Witnesses are feeling the same thing at their meetings, or so the religion would have you believe.

In the June broadcast it is stated that while a person is congregated with others at a meeting, they can look around and think that those present love Jehovah and support his sovereignty. This is an obvious generalisation and a false statement. It is impossible for everybody in the room to hold the same exact sentiment about god. They might be taught to think in a particular way, but it is in human nature to have one’s own perspective. Every person has a unique belief. They might not necessarily express it in the environment where uniformity is highly valued, but it is common for individual Jehovah’s Witnesses not to feel huge love for the deity they communally worship and not to be very content with the fact of being present at the group session.

Creating an impression that others feel a certain way about the organisationally prescribed beliefs and activities undermines the confidence of the individual in their assessment of the situation. If someone is sure that everybody else perceives something one way, they will be distrusting of their own judgement and inclined not to voice a perspective differing from the popular one.

Dictating Feelings

The June programme offers a ready-made recipe on how to interact with others at a meeting. Such occasions, occurring twice a week for a total of 4 hours (and commute time) should be viewed as an opportunity to strengthen and uplift others, as the program says. Well, what if someone is depressed and they feel like having nothing positive to say? What if actually a person feels that something is wrong with the group, but they are uncomfortable with voicing their objections for the fear of rejection? Such individuals are likely to find fault with themselves instead of thinking objectively about what exactly it is that bothers them about the group. Even more importantly, they might not learn an effective self-disclosure in the context of the group and never trust the group to not reject them for feeling a certain way, since the acceptable way of feeling is that of positive and up-building emotion.

Effective self-disclosure is necessary for forming intimate relationships. The primary experience of such safety comes through interactions with the caregivers. Still, in the context of a group,  anybody who feels that they have to show a particular set of emotions to fit in will have a hard time believing that they can show who they are deep down without anxiety about being accepted. Not measuring up to an expected way of being while at meetings of Jehovah’s Witnesses can create or exacerbate feelings of guilt, shame, inferiority and alienation.

Cult-Like Repetition

The repetitiveness of a long bible psalm is highly praised in this episode. If an ancient chorus sang the same phrase 26 times in a row, this would have a meditative effect on the mind. Some types of meditations consist of a practise of repeating a mantra, which usually calms the mind to various degrees by reverting attention from the chatter of thoughts to the stillness of the mantra. The structure of the meetings of Jehovah’s Witnesses can be described as a process of repetitively regurgitating the statements and sentiments presented from the platform. This process results in a mind-numbing, hypnotic-like state, where individualistic thought processes are stopped and group-think is promoted.

This commentary of the June 2016 broadcasting highlights methods the Watchtower uses in order to manipulate the development of the personalities of individual Jehovah’s Witnesses, such as putting the obligation to attend indoctrination sessions above personal safety, forming a cognitive framework aiming to mould people’s opinions about themselves and those who don’t belong to the Jehovah’s Witnesses organisation, and the mind-numbing process of indoctrination, as well as the stifling of the normal development of individual identity.

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The June 2016 broadcast so you can hear it in its entirety:

https://tv.jw.org/#en/video/VODStudio/pub-jwb_201606_1_VIDEO

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Karuna, a Sanskrit word meaning any action taken to diminish the suffering of others, is the pen name of a former Jehovah’s Witnesses originally from Poland and now living in Ireland. Karuna received her Master’s degree in psychology while one of Jehovah’s Witnesses, but left the organization after learning of their devastating “two witness” rule and other policies that put children in harm’s way. She is currently looking to continue her higher education and use her learning to help children who have been victims of abuse. JWvictims is deeply grateful for her contribution of this and future articles as well.

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