Jehovah’s Witness Women Get Counsel on Sexual Intimacy, From a Nine-Year-Old Boy

If you’re a married woman and find out that your spouse has been unfaithful, what type of response would you expect from others? Support, sympathy, a strong shoulder to cry on, a listening ear?

How about a lecture about how your husband is your “head” and because of that, you should do what he says when he asks for forgiveness?

How about a lecture about how god forgives all the “debts” you owe him, so in turn you should just forgive this “debt” that your husband owes you?

How about if that lecture was from a nine-year-old boy, and your son no less?

No, really.

From the Mouths of Babes

Jehovah’s Witnesses are one of the most misogynistic religions working today, and this experience really takes the cake. First note what I’m talking about, from the November 1, 1981, Watchtower:

NEED a husband’s one act of adultery absolutely require that the wife divorce him, even when he is truly repentant? One wife thought so, but her nine-year-old son thought otherwise.
A certain baptized man with a dedicated wife and three young children recently committed adultery. It was a single offense and he immediately informed the appointed congregational elders. He was urged by the elders to seek his wife’s forgiveness by confessing to her as well. The wife was very upset and was determined to bring their marriage to an end. She stated to the elders handling the case that her mind was made up and that she had already consulted with a lawyer. The elders talked with her, mentioning that the three children still were of tender years, the eldest being nine. But in spite of this, she was resolute. As a result, the husband was sorely distressed and would hardly eat. He wept much of the time.
In the meantime, the children got to know what was happening, and the eldest boy decided to do something about it. He sat down to work out a talk or what he would say to his mother. From attending meetings at the Kingdom Hall, he recalled some scriptures and also information from the book “Making Your Family Life Happy.” Now he was well prepared to tackle his mummy. He called her into the bedroom and sat down with her. His first comment was to the effect that he was very upset and did not desire his family to break up. Then he said: “Look, Mummy, what the Bible says at Nehemiah 9:17.” After the mother read this text, he said: “You see how Jehovah is a God that acts in a forgiving way. Mummy, do you not think that you also should forgive Daddy?” “Perhaps,” his mother replied. He was really intent on helping his mother to see the importance of being forgiving.
The lad also quoted Ephesians 5:22, 33 and argued that as his daddy is the head of the house, the mother should listen to him. Next, the boy referred to Matthew 6:11, 12. After he read these two verses, he asked his mother what the word “debts” meant. She gave him the answer and he urged her to forgive “Daddy’s debts.” He used many more scriptures and, in conclusion, asked his mother: “Do you not think that you should forgive Daddy?” Happily, the answer was, “Yes, I will.”
Now the family is happily united once again. The woman later said that she was glad about the way things worked out and remarked that she could see that her husband was really repentant and trying hard to make amends in the family relationship. So, what others’ comments did not bring about, those of a nine-year-old boy did, with the use of God’s Word. Truly, “out of the mouth of children . . . you [Jehovah] have founded strength.”—Ps. 8:2.

Confessing to Elders?

Let’s first note what the man did after committing adultery; he confessed to the elders. Not his wife; the elders. As a matter of fact, the story says that the elders “urged” him to confess to her as well. Did this man not think that his wife should have been the first person to whom he should confess? After all, he didn’t cheat on the elders or break the marriage vow he made to the elders; he cheated on his wife.

Someone might say that his guilty conscience impelled him to confess to god first, but this doesn’t say he prayed to god for forgiveness. He confessed to humans, but not his wife, his “one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24, Matthew 19:5) Would he have even told his wife, if the elders had not “urged” him to speak to her?

So immediately we see how the wife is relegated to the position of a domestic; apparently she is entitled to know something about her own marriage and sexual intimacy of her husband when, and only when, elders “urge” her husband to confess to her. The elders have more rights to know about her marriage than she does.

Counsel, and to Whom?

Let’s next consider the little boy. He’s going to counsel mommy, not daddy, the one who broke up the family by having sex with someone else. He didn’t chastise his father for his inexcusable actions.

This little boy didn’t even have sympathy for mom and what she must have been put through by such humiliation and betrayal. He decided to “tackle” mommy, as if she had done something wrong. Mommy didn’t cheat, mommy didn’t have sex with someone else, mommy didn’t treat daddy like he didn’t have any business knowing what was going on in their marital bed. Yet, was there any sympathy for mommy? No, she deserves to be “tackled.”

The Real Meaning of Headship

Note, too, that he told her that daddy was her “head,” so she needed to listen to him. This is what it means to be the “head” of the household, special privileges to get away with cheating on your spouse? Wouldn’t that whole “headship” arrangement be considered null and void the minute the husband had sex with someone else? Interesting that this is what Jehovah’s Witnesses feel is meant by “headship;” it gives you special rights even after you’ve had sex outside your marriage. Remember that, if JWs ever tell you that they consider women to be equal to men.

headship sexNot only is this insulting in of itself, but the bible says that adultery is the one thing that freely allows a person to get divorced and remarried. (Matthew 19:9) The scriptures gave this woman the full right to divorce her husband, no matter the opinion of others. Even the bible, with all its lectures about forgiveness, allows for divorce and remarriage when a spouse has been unfaithful, as it’s such a serious matter.

Yet, instead of respecting her rights in this matter, she is “tackled” and lectured. 1 Corinthians 4:6 says to not “go beyond the things that are written,” and yet that is exactly what is being applauded here. The bible says she has the right to divorce this man, he is the one at fault for the family breaking up, and yet she is counseled about what she should do, despite what the bible says.

I’m Sorry, How Old?

What is especially sickening about this subject is that this counsel was given by a 9-year-old boy. Nine years old. Please tell me what a 9-year-old knows about marital intimacy, relationships, betrayal, and all these other serious, difficult subject matters here. Who knows what other factors the wife had considered in making this decision, which would have been well beyond this child’s understanding. Had her husband been arrogantly and cruelly indulging in behavior that led up to his affair, such as flirting with other women? Was he consistently negligent of the wife’s feelings and of the marriage as a whole, so that there wasn’t much of a relationship to salvage? Did she feel that his going to the elders first was an insult, and decided that his actions even after being unfaithful were unacceptable?

women divorceWould she honestly be able to trust him again? After a betrayal like this, she may look at her husband with suspicion for years, and her hurt feelings may have made their relationship more damaging than healthy. It might have even been for his advantage that they divorce, so that he wouldn’t need to live with someone that was always looking over his shoulder, mistrusting him.

All of that is in addition to the horrifically hurt feelings she must have been experiencing. Cheating on your spouse is not an accident; you don’t just trip on your shoelaces and fall into someone’s lap. You get yourself alone with them, you flirt with them, and you put your spouse out of your mind while you cross those boundaries. An innocent spouse can feel ugly, undesirable, mocked, humiliated, and so on. These are not feelings and circumstances that are very easy to get past, and not things a 9-year-old would easily understand.

No One’s Place, Much Less His

Whatever her reasons for deciding on a divorce, who is anyone to tell her what is best for her and her family, much less a 9-year-old? Consider the gross lack of respect this shows for the woman, a grownup adult, the one who is married and who had to live through this experience. She is obviously not capable of making the best decision for herself and all her children, but a little boy who hasn’t even hit puberty yet, who still has a curfew and isn’t allowed to date or hold a job, is considered wiser than her.

Rather than showing respect to her as his mother, as an adult, she is treated as if she is the child and he is the grownup. What about the scriptures that say that children should “honor” their father and their mother? (Ephesians 6:2) What if this was a different matter; would a 9-year-old be in a position to tell mom what to wear, how to spend the grocery money, what food to eat? Yet, something as deep and involved as marital fidelity is apparently within his area of expertise, but not hers.

What I also find disturbing is that this child is counseling his mother about sexually intimate matters. How does a child belong in the bedroom of his parents? Daddy wasn’t breaking up the family because of moving out of the country; he put his penis into another woman. How is this the business of a child that young? I can perhaps understand talking to your adult child about these things once he or she has reached their 20s or older, and is sexually active themselves, but 9? Nothing about his parents’ marriage is this child’s business, much less their sex life.

Don’t Applaud This

Consider this; if the mother wanted advice on what to do in this situation, to whom do you think she would turn? A 9-year-old child? A woman who would do that might be counseled herself, for bringing an innocent child into this situation and for asking advice of someone who is in obviously no position to offer any type of words of wisdom. If you can see the shortsightedness of asking a child for marriage counseling, why would the idea of this child offering unsolicited advice be applauded or considered appropriate?

The disrespect that Jehovah’s Witnesses show to women is abundant in this article and experience. This is not something to applaud, this elevating of a 9-year-old child above a grownup, adult, mature parent, and especially in such delicate, deep matters as marital fidelity and unfaithfulness. In my mind, anyone “tackling” a woman who has just lived through such a horrible betrayal should be chastised themselves, but especially if that person is the woman’s own immature, prepubescent, haughty child. To me, this is a form of mental and emotional abuse, from a child, from her child, and which is applauded by Jehovah’s Witnesses no less.


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13 replies »

  1. O don’t know who I should turn to,I have had a horrible over 7 years with a jw elder, he pursued a relationship with him by asking me out to dinner,he broke all the rules he led a double life,he had a wife but turned to me too. I would like to bring this animal to the spotlight, I feel so used who can I turn to.

    • It’s in the 1981 Watchtower mentioned above. You would need the CD-ROM for the old Watchtowers, JWs don’t keep them on their website if they’re more than about ten years old.

  2. Ok so stating my opinion as someone who grew up around JWs I think that the writer of this article is seriously just knit picking. I am not by any means a JW but I have gone through a similar situation. I was cheated on by my husband and I have two children. My 8 year old sat me down and talked to me about what was going on and about how I should reconsider my divorce. Her words meant a lot to me and she is one of the main reasons why I reconsidered. Our conversation had nothing to do with religion and we don’t go to any type of meetings or any other church. Yes the husband in the article was a jerk and yes he shouldn’t have told the elders before her but both people are in the religion because they want to be. I personally think the woman should go see a therapist so she can have someone to talk to and so she can be sure she wants to be with her husband. At the end of the day the woman is an adult who decided to stay with her husband and work things out despite an infidelity which isn’t that much of an uncommon story.

    • No matter the framework of the story, it’s grossly misogynistic and disrespectful for a child to lecture an adult, and I hope your daughter didn’t come across that way. It’s also downright abusive to say that a woman should forgive a man because he is her “head,” as if that gives him special rights or privileges when it comes to fidelity. The double standard with Jehovah’s Witnesses between men and women is disgusting. Yes, adults can listen to their children and consider their feelings but children have no business “tackling” the adults, chastising, lecturing, or otherwise acting as if they’re the adult and mom or dad is the child. This entire article makes my skin crawl and I disagree that I’m nitpicking. I wish you nothing but the best however.

    • Why would your daughter expect you to stay in a miserable marriage with a man who obviously doesn’t respect you enough to stay faithful to you? For her own benefit, obviously. Children who do that are incredibly selfish. They lose NOTHING when their parents divorce. They still have the love of both parents and can easily go back and forth between two homes to be with both of them. Literally the ONLY thing that changes is that they aren’t all living under the same roof anymore. Expecting you to stay miserable so she can continue to live under the delusion of a perfect family is BS. No, if your daughter really loved you, she would respect your feelings. Would you have expected your own mother to stay married to your father if he had cheated on her?

      Source: my own life experience and that of several friends. Not one of us was negatively affected by our parents’ divorces. In fact, in most cases we were glad because our parents were no longer at each other’s throats every day and scaring the hell out of us kids.

      BTW if I were you, I’d ask your daughter how she can possibly still love or respect her father since he cheated on you. Adultery is disrespectful to ALL women, your daughter included. Her father’s actions are a statement, and that statement is: “Women are just sex objects to me. It means nothing that I made a vow to God to be faithful to my wife. I’m bored with her and will therefore go fuck another woman with no regard for her feelings. I don’t even respect the fact that SHE has been faithful to me AND went through hell to bear me children. I don’t feel I owe her anything. If I did, I wouldn’t be fucking around behind her back. And by cheating on my wife, I am also endorsing my future son-in-law to cheat on my daughter, because I would be a hypocrite if I didn’t endorse it.” Oh, and let’s not forget the fact that your daughter loves you. By dishonoring the mother, he is dishonoring the daughter that loves her mother. If he loved his daughter, he would have nothing but the utmost respect for YOU, the woman who gave birth to her.

  3. More than likely, this is a made up story. I find it hard to believe a mother would allow her child to give her a “public talk” and hare many more scriptures about forgiving the infidelity of their father. This story is absolute rubbish and if it is true, which WT portraying as true, either way, it’s total bullshit and makes my blood boil.

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